Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 14!

When we last read Fifty Shades of Grey, our hero was threatening our heroine with rape and furiously badgering her any time she disagreed with him over petty little things.  ...That could describe any chapter in the book.  You don't have to read this one too closely to keep up.

I like this picture. It was originally illustrating a guy going "wow, I can never live up to this amazing Christian Grey fella, I'm just an ordinary man."  But it is also, for very different reasons, the exact face I make when I read this book.

Content warnings for this chapter:  The force-feeding thing, the child sexual abuse thing, the adult sexual abuse thing, the continuous rampant emotional abuse thing... boy has this book numbed me out.  You know, the thing, with the horribleness.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 13!

In the last chapter, our hero broke into our heroine's house and raped her.  So.  Really nowhere to go but up from here, I guess.

Content warnings for this chapter: emotional abuse (like, a LOT), sexual harassment.  You know the drill.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Let's Read Fifty Shades of Grey: Chapter 12!

This is not going to be a very funny chapter. I would not blame you one bit if you skipped it. I'm going to go through it, for the sake of complete commentary, but there's a point in this chapter where there's no hope of making any jokes.

Plot summary if you choose to skip: Ana "jokingly" breaks up with Christian Grey. He thinks it's real and breaks into her house and rapes her.

MAJOR content warning: Rape. Not rape references or "that's kind of like rape"; outright graphic rape. Also home invasion, emotional abuse, child sexual abuse.

Friday, January 3, 2014

Cosmocking Catchup: October-December '13!

How could I have let Cosmocking slide?  What has become of me?

Rather than stretch things out by doing the three (!) backlogged Cosmos I've got separately, I'm just going to make a mega-post with a little bit of the worst from October, November, and December.

Covers!  "The Scary Thing 90% of Men Fantasize About" is having sex with someone who isn't their partner! "Weird Things Guys Do When You're Not Around" basically comes down to sometimes they're naked!  I can understand the need to be shocking on the cover, but I can't forgive faking it, not in a world where "female kangaroos have three vaginas" is an actual fact!  And then there's Miley!  Wearing an otherwise see-through suit covered in rhinestones and encouraging us to "twerk your ass off"!  Yes, dear, you're very scandalous. Good for you. We're all very scandalized.
The kind of woman who's really rising in her career in her 20s tends to be high in testosterone [...] High-testosterone guys tend to be more aggressive, tough-minded, and competitive--and not as compassionate or emotionally expressive. High-estrogen guys, on the other hand, have no problem expressing their emotions and are trusting and empathetic but can be indecisive.
And guys who are high in black bile tend to be dry and cold and associated with the element of Earth.

This would almost be interesting if it was validated with blood tests and not the author going on to speculate that Barack Obama is probably high-estrogen because he called his wife "the boss."  As it is, it's just yet another weird attempt to go "oh no, I would never hold sexist and transphobic opinions, but you can't argue with science!"

Well, guess what?  I just put on glasses and a white lab coat.  Now I get to decide what objective truth is!  And, using some very long and newly-discovered words, I can tell you that according to SMIM1 Vel antigen levels and dynamic computed tomography, you are a poophead.
Slick his fingers with shower gel, and have him reach around and give you some digital pleasure.
Ow. No. Ow.  You know that feeling when you get soap in your eye?  Transpose that south a little and let me know if it sounds sexy.
You wake up with 2.5 minutes to spare before your alarm rings.  Rip off the cami you slept in, and tie it over his eyes. Now you can spin a fantasy using nothing but your words.  Here, we'll get you started: "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now, watching us..."
Since "try springing BDSM on him when he's least expecting it" was a couple issues ago, Cosmo has now upped the stakes to "try springing BDSM on him when he's goddamn asleep."

I do want to use this fantasy, though, because I live on the second floor.  "All the neighbors are crowded around the windows right now. They're hovering.  Sickly green flames flicker in the places where their eyes used to be."
Q: My boyfriend is a unicorn. He's not into porn or strip clubs. But I am. I'd love to watch porn while we're having sex or have a wild night at a strip club together. Are we incompatible? 
A: Guys who say they're not into porn are either lying or repressed... and lying.  [...] suggest a girl-on-girl scene to eliminate the possibility of him being intimidated by porn penises.  If he says no, you need to decide if you're okay being with a guy who's so closed off and unwilling to explore with you.
I'm not even explaining why this is wrong.  I can't.  It's like being asked "why wouldn't tinfoil make a good tampon?"  There's so many different layers of wrong that I'm just going to trip over myself trying to pick which one to talk about first.
I've never come even remotely close to playing make-believe in the bedroom. The truth is, I've been too scared! It's challenging enough to feel comfortable being yourself during sex, let along someone else.  Plus, what if my partner found my fantasy freaky? What if I bungled the dialogue?  What if I started giggling... or worse, what if he started laughing at me?
Then you'd be just like people who do this all the time, because we fuck up all the time.  What keeps the play hot is that we get good at rolling with it.  We get the giggles, but we can laugh together or shut it down with an evil "what are you laughing at?"  Our dialogue isn't perfect, but what we do is too intense to worry about critiquing the dialogue.  The standard we aim for isn't "seamless" but just "fun."

(Credit where credit's due, by the way; this article actually did a decent job explaining negotiation and safewords.)
Q: During my internship in college, my boss and I flirted a lot but never got physical. I used him as a reference to land my current job, and now that we don't work together, he's been asking me out. [...] 
A: [...] If you keep saying no, he could very well be so hurt or confused that he won't be able to serve as a reference for you (at least, not the kind of enthusiastic, professional reference you want).  So if you really do like him and he likes you, then say yes.
The new, feminist Cosmo, you guys!  Now with extra feminism!  And the occasional barely-veiled threat to sabotage your career if you say no to a date!

The weird thing is that the letter writer doesn't imply anything about her ex-boss withholding references or blackmailing her.  She just says he's asking her out and she's not sure if that's appropriate. The advice columnist (Ky Henderson) is the one who decided this needed a little extra spice in the form of explicit sexual harassment.
Lure his tongue into your mouth, and when he pulls it back, wrap your lips around the tip, sucking like you would during oral. It's an R-rated preview that will have him aching for the feature presentation.
Gluaghchkauh.  (That's not my reaction. That's the noise he would make.)
Set up a movie night on the couch, and tell him he's only getting to first base.  It's an innocent come-on that will make you both want more.  Letting him try to "convince" you to go further is half the fun.
I'm going to let Louis CK take this one:
(NSFW and talks about rape)

Geese mate for life. Riff on this concept of eternal intertwinement and wrap your leg over his back, which gives him access to your clitoris.
...Dammit.  I just can't stay mad at you, Cosmo.